I know it’s been a long time. I’ve missed everyone.
The old blog had to go away because I had so much to say I lost my words. I just couldn’t share what I was thinking and feeling and not writing about it was very painful. I felt both shut down and over-exposed all at the same time, and I needed to go off and be alone for a while. But I am back now
This has been a year of taking myself apart and putting myself back together. The new me has all the same bits as the old me, just much more pleasantly and usefully arranged. There are some new bits too, and they are fantastic. I am very proud of them. It’s a work in progress, of course. Things still shift and budge and from time to time a hard knock can make it feel like the work has all been undone, but it never actually is. The new me includes useful blueprints and I am very good at re-assembling myself. It takes less time each time. I’ve started to do some organizing in the house and it’s the same principle. Once there’s a proper place for things, it’s much easier to keep the place clean and much easier to sort it out when you lose your grip for a while and the place does get messy.
This is all very good.
I’ve been thinking about blogging again for a very long time, but I wasn’t quite ready. I thought about just popping up on the old blog, but the old blog, as much as I loved it, was a very long time ago. I haven’t re-read anything there for over a year and I don’t think I will, at least not for another very long time.
I thought about starting a vanilla blog. In fact, I did. But I couldn’t write in it because I didn’t have a blog where I could write about the whole me, which includes spanking, and submission, and lots of other things that wouldn’t have a place on a vanilla blog. I felt cramped.
I thought of starting a new secret spanking blog with a new name. I really liked the idea of a secret identity. I could practically see that new girl, as fresh and shiny as Caroline Grey was the first time I ever slipped into her school uniform, but older, and wiser. No one would know anything about her, and her experiences, as shared, would be unblemished and untainted by anything that had come before. I almost did that. But I didn’t. Because of a lot of reasons. One was that I am a big open person. I feel things and I share things and I blurt. Less than I once did, and hopefully with slightly better judgement, but it is a part of who I am. Shiny New Girl would do the very same. It would be silly and sort of lying to have to pretend that she was nothing to do with Caroline or with me. The pool of people who read these things is not so very big. People who know me would know, and that would be awkward. Or they wouldn’t know, and that would be difficult.
Also things are more complicated online now than they were then. (I know, I make it sound like it has been 42 years since I last blogged but it does feel like it.) What I am saying, basically, is that the thought of having to make another twitter account wore me out. At the end of the day I am very lazy.
So anyway, here I am. It feels very good to write this post. I am writing more now for a new and exciting job that I love, but it isn’t writing like this. Writing like that made me miss this even more. And also I discovered Poppy’s blog. I cannot understand why I had never seen it before. It’s not like it was a secret. I think perhaps it is one of those woo woo universey things where things happen for a reason. I needed her blog now. I probably needed it back then too, but that muddles up the issue. What matters is that I did find it and it did me a world of good and I have spent the Sunday that I was supposed to use very usefully just reading through the archives. She even put in a special archive button just for me because I asked, which made me feel very special. But you can use it too. My point is that reading her writing, which is a much more perfect version of the sort of writing I always hoped to write, made me itchy to get writing the kind of writing that I do write. Which is this.
I will probably write about parties that I go to. I have been to Boardwalk, which was enchanting–it hurt not to write about that! And I am just back home from Shadowlane, which was hilarious. I may write about that soon. I will probably write about any shoots I do, though I really am not doing many. (I did some very wonderful ones with wonderful people last year that I was very sad not to write about.) Mostly I want to write about the things that go around and around in my head. There will be spanking. Don’t worry.
I want to be more specific and more focused and more committed with this writing. The writing is the most important bit. I want to learn how to make my thoughts mind me and how to say them better and more clearly, so that they mean what they mean to mean. I want to be open and truthful and brave and kind and wise, but I also want to be a little more careful. I don’t know yet if this is possible. You can take that last sentence and apply it to my whole new life, by the way.